CHRISTIAN HUMOR POETRY
by Jack Bowman ©
CHRISTIAN HUMOR POETRYby Jack Bowman © |
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Dedicated to Louis Wood Jr. |
| LAST MORTAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN GOD AND JC
God said; I'll take care of the Romans for you jc. I will give them a leader called Mussolini. jc said; Get that guy too. God; Which one? jc; That one (trying to point) O shit I can't point with these nails in my hands. That one. That guy with the beard and the dog. He's got that jewish thing tattooed on his arm. God; No. No. I can't do that jc; Then what about that one. The one with the turban. He's called Mo somebody. He plays a straight man with Curly and Larry. Everyone knows He and Larry attended those wild parties in Sodom. His middle name has something to do with a pig Hom or Ham, something like that. He is a real liar. He has been telling everyone in Gomorrah that He is your son. |
God; Humm.......
jc; No. He really isn't is he?
God; Well you know old men get horney too.
jc; Take my buddy Joseph. He's been smoking so much pot and taking LSD that he claims to have seen me walk on water.
God; There are a lot of druggies in this area. They will later claim to have seen people rise from the dead.
jc; There. There that black guy. Take him.
God; Where?
jc; (trying to point) O shit the nails. Take that black guy over there. Whitie is going to just make slaves out of him anyway.
jc; How about mom? Mary? She brought me into this world. Take her. If she hadn't had that affair with that traveling camel salesman.
God; What?
jc; oops
God; Kick that buzzard off your big toe jc.
jc; (struggles to kick)
God; Oops. I forgot about those nails. Ha, Ha, Ha................
The moral of the story is that you can't point fingers if you can't kick the buzzards off your feet.
I will make everyone call that Jewish thing a funny star
instead of that Jewish thing.
I would make that cross with the bloody guy on it obscene and all the
catholic leaders that gave them or showed them to children would go to jail
for distributing obscenity to minors.
I would make everyone call that Arabian guy Mo Ham Id instead of Mohammed.
That way when you want your father to pass the Ham at supper time you would
only have to say Mo Ham Id and he would pass the meat.
I would make all males age 5 and up have their penises pierced. And when
they went through metal detectors the police would have them show their
penises. The older males would have to go through the metal detectors first
and they would get to shake their penises at the police.
Then the little boys would go through and have to show their penises. The
police would then go to prison for gross sexual imposition with children
under 10.
I would declare that all banks with numbers on them would have to change
their numbers to Pig or Capitalist. Therefore the 1st National Bank" would
be Pig National Bank or Capitalist National Bank. "5th/3rd" would have to
just be Capitalist Pig Bank.
I would make all schools that get to teach stuff add "sucks" to the end of
their name. That way Wright State would be Wright State Sucks. Wayne High
School would be Wayne High School Sucks and Edison would be Edison State
Sucks.
No
I wouldn't do any of these things.
I am a liar. Like all the other Politicians.
If I were president I would get me a chick with a beret and a Cuban cigar and
start a war with some little country that can't fight back. Then I would
order the bombing of Damascus or Tehran and lay back with my chick and watch
all those green lights on TV as Wolf Blitzer comments.
Remember to vote for me "JACK" for president.
What if god had named his son Oma instead of Jesus or Mohammed?
That way when someone said Oma God everyone would think it was the second coming.
For example; What if you were smoking a joint and someone came to the door. Your girlfriend answered the door and said "Oma God". You would think it was the second coming so you would swallow your joint fire and all.
Like the son God could not see through you? Like he didn't have X-Ray vision?
What if you were alone with this beautiful nude girl and you got an erection like the snake in Eden must have felt just before he had to shed his skin
The girl said "OmaGod"
You thought it was the second coming and you said "Where? where?"
No need for the snake to shed his skin now.
If Oma was the son of God we would have a country in the Arabian desert called Oman and it would be extremely wealthy and at the center of the world.
And on the other side of the world we would have a greedy capitalist town that sells pigs. Its name would be Omaha.
If God had named his son Oma we would have a Persian poet named Omar Khayyam.
If God had named his son Oma then an omen would be a thing that foretold a future event.
If God had named his son Oma then omni would mean all or everything.
If God had named his son Oma then omnipotent would mean having unlimited power or authority.
If God had named his son Oma then ominous would mean serving as an evil omen.
But God didn't name his son Oma because if he had then the word Oma would be a suffix meaning morbid growth tumor.
No. The son of God is not Oma or people would go around saying OmaGod all the time.
OmaGod. Maybe he is!
PEOPLE DO NOT THINK THAT GOD AND HIS CREW HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. REMEMBER HE IS GOD. HE CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANTS. THIS POEM IS ABOUT GOD AND HIS SONS HAVING A GOOD LAUGH.
THEIR FAVORITE TRICK IS THE "CROSS IN THE SKY" THEY HAD A GOOD LAUGH WHEN THEY CAUSED THE CHILDREN CRUSADES OF 1212.
GOD FOUND A LITTLE FRENCH BOY NAMED STEVEN PLAYING MARBLES. HE LOOKED OVER AT JESUS, MOHAMMED AND BUDDHA AND SAID "WATCH THIS GUYS". HE THEN PLACED A CROSS IN THE SKY. STEVEN IGNORED IT. GOD KICKED HIM IN THE BUTT AND SAID "DON'T YOU SEE THAT CROSS IN THE SKY?" STEVEN LOOKED UP AND WAS AWED. HE SAID "WHAT DOES IT MEAN" GOD SAID "IT MEANS FOR YOU TO GATHER THE CHILDREN AND MAKE A CRUSADE TO THE HOLY LAND" SO STEVEN DID. THEY NEVER MADE IT TO THE HOLY LAND AND THEY NEVER MADE IT BACK. THEY WERE ALL EITHER KILLED OR SOLD INTO SLAVERY.
JESUS SAID "THAT WAS EASY. YOU PICKED A FRENCH BOY. THEY ARE STUPID ANYWAY. ALL THE WOMEN WANT TO DO IS BE NAKED AND SHOW OFF THEIR BEAUTIFUL BODIES"
GOD REPLIED, "I DON'T BLAME THEM. I MADE THEM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL" "OK JESUS YOU PICK ONE FROM GERMANY. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SO SMART."
JESUS FOUND NICHOLAS AND SURE ENOUGH HE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SEE THE CROSS WITHOUT BEING KICKED IN THE BUTT. JESUS SAID "GO NICHOLAS. LEAD A CRUSADE OF CHILDREN TO THE HOLY LAND"
NICHOLAS DID AND THEY ALSO DIDN'T MAKE IT AND DID NOT RETURN. THEY WERE ALL EITHER KILLED OR SOLD INTO SLAVERY.
GOD, JESUS, MOHAMMED, BUDDHA LAUGHED A LONG TIME AT THAT ONE.
AS TIME PROGRESSED (LIKE TIME PROGRESSES IN HEAVEN) THEY HAD NOT HAD A GOOD LAUGH SO DECIDED TO DO THE CROSS IN THE SKY THING AGAIN. MOHAMMED, IN HIS QUIET SQUEAKY VOICE SAID, "IT IS MY TURN. IT'S MY TURN. LET ME DO THIS ONE"
GOD SAID, "OK, IT IS YOUR TURN"
SO MOHAMMED LOOKED AROUND AND FOUND A LITTLE BOY PLAYING MARBLES IN A LARGE WHITE HOUSE. HE PUT UP A CROSS FLOATING AT THE TOP OF THE ROOM. YES, HE DID HAVE TO KICK HIM IN THE BUTT TO GET HIM TO SEE IT. MOHAMMED SAID TO G.W. (THEY CALLED HIM G.W. BECAUSE THE FAMILY HAD FORGOTTEN HIS NAME UNTIL THEY MOVED INTO THAT WHITE HOUSE) "G.W. THAT CROSS IS A SIGN. I WANT YOU TO LEAD THE PEOPLE ON A CRUSADE TO THE HOLY LAND" G.W. WAS AS DUMB AS STEPHEN AND NICHOLAS SO HE DID IT.
NOW THEY ARE ALL LAUGHING IN HEAVEN AS GOD SAYS, "IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WOULD LEARN BUT THEY NEVER DO"
THIS POEM IS CALLED THE PIED PIPER
Nationalism came with the Industrial Revolution
Defense by the Poor came with the Industrial Revolution
Before
Before the Industrial Revolution
The Children's crusades of 1212
The Children's crusades called the children off to War
Stephen of France and Nicholas of Germany saw a vision of a cross in the sky
And led 40,000 children off to die
The children all dead and the flute falls mute
Before, Before the Industrial Revolution
The wealthy hired mercenaries to defend.
After
After the Industrial Revolution
The wealthy
The Capitalist
The wealthy
The Capitalist conditioned the poor to defend.
Public Education
Education
Is the tool. The flute of the piper sounds from the school.
Calling your children into the trap
Football,
Sports
team player is the call of the flute.
Without the team spirit the flute falls mute.
Hear the call? Hear the call?
Join the team. Join the group
Community Service. Community Service
The way of the crowd.
The trap, the trap
The trap is set and waiting for all.